I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
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I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
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Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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