May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
BRING THE BAGELS
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
false alarm, still single
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
