I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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