Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We were destined to go to rehab together
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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