Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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