Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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