When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
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No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize