Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
