I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
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I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
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How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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