If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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