1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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