Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
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Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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