You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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