she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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