I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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