gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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