Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
