Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He literally asked permission to hit on me
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize