I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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