If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
