Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Randomize
