I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
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my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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