Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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