Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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