im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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