i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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