Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
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Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
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How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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