I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?