I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
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I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
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You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.