never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...