"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.