dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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