It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
