Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
