Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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