the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
