pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
