dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
