i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
