I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I could make wine with my vomit
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
