I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
My bed smells like the plague
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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