Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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