my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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