take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
