Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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