If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
