3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He kissed a someone with a penis
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
