Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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