rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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