You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Randomize
