my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
