just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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