It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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